Celebration culture is getting out of hands.
Carries Bradshaw is right, kind of.
Believe me when I say Carrie Bradshaw isn’t anywhere near the top of my list of favorite characters. But in Sex and the City, Season 6, Episode 9 (A Woman’s Right to Shoes), she makes a point—and so do I
In this episode, Carrie attends her friend Kyra’s baby shower. Armed with a gift and good intentions, she’s greeted at the door with a strict no-shoes policy. Like all the other guests, she’s forced to leave her shoes at the entrance. When the party ends, Carrie discovers her beloved, brand-new $485 Manolo Blahniks have been stolen. Kyra offers to pay for the missing shoes, but when Carrie tells her how much she spent on them, Kyra not only shames her for "her life choices," but offers to cover only $250.
Frustrated by Kyra’s judgment, Carrie vents to Charlotte, pointing out all the expenses she’s incurred over the years because of Kyra’s choices:
Over the years, I have bought Kyra an engagement gift, a wedding gift, then there was the trip to Maine for the wedding, three baby gifts. In total, I have spent over 23,000 dollars celebrating her choices, and she is shaming me for spending a lousy 485 bucks on myself?
Charlotte responds that Kyra will spend the same amount on Carrie when she gets married and have children, to which Carrie responds: “and if I don’t?”.
At the end of the episode, Kyra finally agrees to return the shoes when Carrie calls her to let her know that she’s getting married… to herself, and has registered at Manolo Blahnik one single item: a $485 pair of shoes.
Genius.
Although this episode first aired over 20 years ago, I watched it for the first—and so far, only—time last year. Even now, it feels more relevant than ever, staying with me and prompting repeated reflection. Most conversations about this episode focus on a single woman’s right to spend her money however she pleases—even if that means dropping $500 on a pair of Manolos, as Carrie does, which I agree with.
But at this point in my life, the dialogue between Carrie and Charlotte resonated with me on a deeper level, offering more to unpack than just the life of the single woman. Yes, every single person has the right to spend their money as they wish—but my takeaway is this: shouldn’t we (as humans) also have the right to opt out of the often unnecessary expenses tied to fulfilling the endless social obligations we’ve invented to celebrate every milestone of our lives?
Let me explain.
If all my friends are Kyra, what will be left of my bank account?
“Thank you!” notes until I get married—or have a child—myself?
I’ve been thinking so much about how surrounded I’ve been in the past few years by the Kyras of the world and their need to include me in every little single social commitment to celebrate: birthdays, weddings, baby showers, engagement showers, Christmas parties, bachelorette parties. Dear God, how many more events do we need to celebrate?
If all my close friends and connections celebrate every life choice like Kyra, I will need to live two lifetimes and inherit half of Jeff Bezos’s fortune to satisfy their need for my presence, money, time, and energy in their lives.
Don’t get me wrong—weddings are beautiful. I love seeing my friends and family celebrate their love, and I get chills every time a childhood friend tells me she’s having a baby. The joy of seeing a strong, healthy newborn is incomparable—nothing is more precious than new life. I’m genuinely happy for their happiness.
But according to society’s unspoken rules, every time they want to celebrate their milestones with me (sometimes 2-3 times a year), I’m expected to give up a little more of my time, money, and energy. And all of that comes out of a special reserve: my life.
I can barely keep up with weekends spent cleaning and cooking, and on top of that—believe me when I say this—there is always a birthday, baptism, or wedding just around the corner.
For the longest time, I assumed it was because I had a lot of friends (for whom I’m genuinely grateful). But then I started to wonder: why didn’t I feel this kind of social pressure when we were younger? Turns out, it’s not about the number of friends—it’s about the stage of life we’re in.
All those friends from childhood and college who once barely remembered to celebrate their birthdays are now suddenly celebrating everything. Weddings. Babies. Christenings. Repeat. And while I’m happy for them, the pace at which everyone seems to be getting married and having kids feels completely unsustainable—for this introverted soul and her bank account.
Here’s a recap of my friend’s choice celebrations during this year alone, from January to July 2024:
Kyra’s #1 baby’s birthday (March).
Kyra’s #2 bachelorette party (March).
Kyra’s #2 wedding (April) - didn't attend 🚫 implied traveling.
My sister’s bachelorette party (April).
My sister’s (second) wedding (May).
Kyra’s #1 baby shower (May) - didn't attend 🚫
My boyfriend’s childhood friend's wedding (June). Implied traveling.
Kyra’s #4 bachelorette party (July) - didn't attend 🚫 implied traveling.
My boyfriend’s cousin’s wedding (July) - didn't attend 🚫 implied traveling.
Upcoming:
Another boyfriend’s cousin’s wedding (September).
Kyra’s #4 wedding (October).
Not to mention all my friend’s birthdays (one of my beloved Kyras has made me celebrate her birthday, bachelorette party, and wedding in the same year!!!), get-togethers with my parents and my brother-in-law's parents, as well as getting in touch with the family near town.
Even though my attendance rate was about 50%, was 100% higher than I wanted it to be.
Wedding season kicked off in April and, with any luck, will wrap up by October. But the anxiety of this overwhelmingly eventful year hit me as early as February. By then, I’d stopped attending birthdays, get-togethers, and coffee or brunch dates. I just… stopped pretending. I even told one friend that with six weddings on my calendar this year, I’d only be attending either the wedding or the bachelorette party for each couple—not both. And I stuck to it (except for my sister’s, of course).
“I couldn’t help but wonder…”:
How am I supposed to keep up with celebrating all of my friends’ choices at this rate? Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if I even need this many friends…
What happened to intimacy? Why does every milestone have to be celebrated with a crowd, all the time, all year long?
What happened to spending your birthday quietly at home—with your partner, your parents, or even alone? Is it really so terrifying to let a birthday pass uncelebrated? We get one of those every year.
Is this some kind of post-pandemic effect?
Do we really need pre-celebrations like baby showers, engagement parties, and bachelor parties? Has it always been this way, or is this a Hollywood-induced phenomenon?
I mean, is this normal? Do we honestly need to celebrate EVERYTHING?
Non-traditional life choices
And if we’re going to celebrate everything, I’d much rather attend an “I got a promotion” party—or better yet, an “I quit my toxic job” party (this might be my new favorite theme). How about an “I adopted a rescue dog” party? What about the “I finally finished my dissertation” party?
I propose that the Carries of Season 6 have the right to:
Decline invitations without needing elaborate excuses. Bonus: we should be allowed to tell the truth, like: “I’m sorry, but I can’t afford that trip,” or “I was planning to spend the weekend with myself.”
Register gifts for non-traditional life choices too.
As I finish this post I'm brainstorming gift ideas to celebrate that I've quit two toxic jobs in the past 3 years, yet not a single birthday, let alone a wedding or a baby shower. I’d love to know how many of my friends, whose engagements, weddings, graduations, and baby showers I’ve celebrated, will show up—or send me a gift—to honor my life choice.
PS: I hope I don’t ever lose my friends. I think it’s just a phase...